Within the depths of the frozen fields of blackness, a single gasp, and once again, I am. I know not who I am, or where I am, or even at this point – what I am. I know only, with that single breath, that I am. I cannot yet feel or see or touch, or even what these words might mean, but I have inhaled and I have exhaled, and therefore, I must be.
I exist in this state for an immeasurable amount of time. There is no sun or moon, or measure of days or time. In my state of existence, I am but an empty vessel. There must be more, as a vessel by definition itself, would suggest that I should carry something, hold something, but I know not what.
As time passes, I begin to feel the cold, the ice piercing my being, and I realize that I can feel. I open myself up to the sensations, the ice scraping against me, and I relish even this pain and discomfort, as I now know that there is indeed more to me than this empty existence. I feel pain, I feel the joy of feeling pain and I feel the thought processes going through me as I come to this realization – I can think. There surely must be more to me than this empty existence.
This moment of epiphany filled me with hope and I began to reach out. What else might I be capable of? What more could there be within the depths of me? As I reached out, I felt truth wash over me as the life force of my breath began to flow through me like a strong steady river. I can feel the energy of all that I am pulsating throughout me.
I sit quietly, indulging in my newfound joy. I feel a sense of exultation that can surely only be gained by the realization of being alive. Perhaps such a simple thing, but for one who has only just awakened and felt the breath of life, it is truly a miraculous awareness.
In my childlike wonder, I luxuriate in the absolute pleasure of being. I allow the essence of life to skip and jump as it runs and frolics through me. I laugh out loud at my own playfulness and stand in amazement as I become acquainted with the light and energy flowing through me.
I trace the pattern of its path, of my path through myself and begin to see an outline take form. I see ribbons and ribbons of light, entwined together, reaching down, reaching all around. It is here where I feel my strength is rooted.
I feel myself flow into the culmination of these ribbons of light to a mighty trunk, where the essence of me begins to spill upwards for amazing spans of time. I stand in awe, as I continue to trace the path of my inner self, and suddenly my being branches out into dozens of different directions. I feel myself span from the delicate strength of my hidden beginnings all the way through my own vast world of light towering in the sky. In this single instant, my essence flowing completely free, I not only am – I am now also cognizant.
I have spent time within myself, and in that sacred time, I have explored the depths of my being and become aware. As my awareness begins to grow, my thought processes begin to reach outward. I have now explored the depths of myself, no longer an empty vessel, but still – there must be more. There must somehow exist a beyond.
I reach outward but I feel nothing. It seems there is only darkness that surrounds me. The more I reach out and feel nothing, the more my spirit begins to sink. What good is ‘being’ if there is nothing ‘beyond’. My recent joy soon transforms into an all consuming sorrow. My memory begins to fade, and with it, my sense of being.
Although I have found myself, although I have filled the vessel, without a beyond, I am alone – with no purpose and no meaning. Why am I even here? Why ‘be’ when my existence is filled with such dark and emptiness.
I then begin to feel a pelting against me; not one or even a dozen, but what feels like thousands against me. What is this pain and why must I endure it? I already stand in darkness and now my sorrow weighs on me even more. I try to understand from where this pain is coming but my fear begins to overtake all sense of awareness and becomes the ruling presence of me. I sink deeper within myself, wanting only to return to the safety of my slumber.
Without awareness, I do not have fear. Without awareness, I do not have to feel pain. I begin to sink, traveling from my vast world of light in the sky, down the limbs of my reaching; falling, sinking, hiding back within the ribbons of my roots.
I had become so engrossed in my sorrow, fear, and grief that I had not thought and lost the passage of time. I no longer felt the cold, and instead of ice, I began to feel droplets of light begin to seep into the delicate ribbons of my essence.
My spirit merged with these droplets of light and I felt the entire universe entwine with me. All at once I knew the stars, the land, and the sea. All at once, the mountains, rivers, meadows and lakes all were one with me. In that miracle of true awakening, the whole world lived within me. As the universe merged with my world of light, I felt life rushing forth to every part of me. And as the life force of the universe danced with mine, at the edges of my being, a gentle explosion of blooming light.
All at once, my heart could see; my purpose, my direction, as part of infinity. My world, once dark, now in full bloom, one connection in life, as part of a whole.