Within the depths of the frozen fields of  blackness, a single gasp, and  once again, I am. I know not who I am, or  where I am, or even at this  point – what I am. I know only, with that  single breath, that I am. I  cannot yet feel or see or touch, or even  what these words might mean,  but I have inhaled and I have exhaled, and  therefore, I must be.

I  exist in this state for an immeasurable amount of time. There is no  sun  or moon, or measure of days or time. In my state of existence, I am  but  an empty vessel.   There must be more, as a vessel by definition itself, would suggest  that  I should carry something, hold something, but I know not what.

As  time passes, I begin to feel the cold, the ice piercing my being,  and I  realize that I can feel. I open myself up to the sensations, the  ice  scraping against me, and I relish even this pain and discomfort, as  I  now know that there is indeed more to me than this empty existence. I   feel pain, I feel the joy of feeling pain and I feel the thought   processes going through me as I come to this realization – I can think.   There surely must be more to me than this empty existence.

This  moment of epiphany filled me with hope and I began to reach out.  What  else might I be capable of? What more could there be within the  depths  of me? As I reached out, I felt truth wash over me as the life  force of  my breath began to flow through me like a strong steady river.  I can  feel the energy of all that I am pulsating throughout me.

I am!

I  sit quietly, indulging in my newfound joy. I feel a sense of  exultation  that can surely only be gained by the realization of being  alive.  Perhaps such a simple thing, but for one who has only just  awakened and  felt the breath of life, it is truly a miraculous awareness.

In  my childlike wonder, I luxuriate in the absolute pleasure of being. I   allow the essence of life to skip and jump as it runs and frolics   through me. I laugh out loud at my own playfulness and stand in   amazement as I become acquainted with the light and energy flowing   through me.

I trace the pattern of its path, of my path through  myself and begin to  see an outline take form. I see ribbons and ribbons  of light, entwined  together, reaching down, reaching all around. It is  here where I feel  my strength is rooted.

I feel myself flow into  the culmination of these ribbons of light to a  mighty trunk, where the  essence of me begins to spill upwards for  amazing spans of time. I stand  in awe, as I continue to trace the path  of my inner self, and suddenly  my being branches out into dozens of  different directions. I feel myself  span from the delicate strength of  my hidden beginnings all the way  through my own vast world of light  towering in the sky. In this single  instant, my essence flowing  completely free, I not only am – I am now  also cognizant.

I have spent time within myself, and in that  sacred time, I have  explored the depths of my being and become aware. As  my awareness  begins to grow, my thought processes begin to reach  outward. I have now  explored the depths of myself, no longer an empty  vessel, but still –  there must be more. There must somehow exist a  beyond.

I reach outward but I feel nothing. It seems there is only darkness   that surrounds me. The more I reach out and feel nothing, the more my   spirit begins to sink. What good is ‘being’ if there is nothing   ‘beyond’. My recent joy soon transforms into an all consuming sorrow. My   memory begins to fade, and with it, my sense of being.

Although I  have found myself, although I have filled the vessel,  without a beyond,  I am alone – with no purpose and no meaning. Why am I  even here? Why  ‘be’ when my existence is filled with such dark and  emptiness.

I  then begin to feel a pelting against me; not one or even a dozen, but   what feels like thousands against me. What is this pain and why must I   endure it? I already stand in darkness and now my sorrow weighs on me   even more. I try to understand from where this pain is coming but my   fear begins to overtake all sense of awareness and becomes the ruling   presence of me. I sink deeper within myself, wanting only to return to   the safety of my slumber.

Without awareness, I do not have fear.  Without awareness, I do not have  to feel pain. I begin to sink,  traveling from my vast world of light  in the sky, down the limbs of my  reaching; falling, sinking, hiding  back within the ribbons of my roots.

I  had become so engrossed in my sorrow, fear, and grief that I had not   thought and lost the passage of time. I no longer felt the cold, and   instead of ice, I began to feel droplets of light begin to seep into the   delicate ribbons of my essence.

My spirit merged with these  droplets of light and I felt the entire  universe entwine with me. All at  once I knew the stars, the land, and  the sea. All at once, the  mountains, rivers, meadows and lakes all were  one with me. In that  miracle of true awakening, the whole world lived  within me. As the  universe merged with my world of light, I felt life  rushing forth to  every part of me. And as the life force of the  universe danced with  mine, at the edges of my being, a gentle explosion  of blooming light.

All  at once, my heart could see; my purpose, my direction, as part of   infinity. My world, once dark, now in full bloom, one connection in   life, as part of a whole.

 

 

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